just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
