I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
