Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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