Pants 0. Shit 1.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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