sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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