i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
