Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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