Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
