I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
