closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
