yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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