my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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