he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I have already put on my inside pants.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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