At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
they need to just BURY HIM!
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
