why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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