My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
