John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
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