i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
