Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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