Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
