So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
