So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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