There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
