People with herpes should wear stickers.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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