did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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