a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize