I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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