dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
