Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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