the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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