I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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