I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
and she was petting her beer can
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize