i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
