Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
