I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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