Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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