The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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