so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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