Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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