My room smells like vodka and shame
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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