I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
