He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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