And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's never too late to be topless.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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