first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You are a genius and a whore.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
