If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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