Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
