There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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