Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
