Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
