Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
