I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
