i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
