Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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