TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
