Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
