Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize