I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
