Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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