You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize