im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
