i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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