just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
