new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
