life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
