I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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