i think my mom watched the whole time
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
