There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
