either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
