my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
