I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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